An Editorial by Dacques Viker

Every morning, I get a large helping of spam for breakfast. It does not go well with my coffee and bagel. But I choke down the my spam the moment I open my e-mail.

Apparently, someone thinks I have a lot of problems. I have erectile dysfunction. I don't ejaculate very well. I am also addicted to pain killers. I need a hair transplant. That does not matter in the least because there are a lot of hot girls who e-mailed me to tell me they want to date me. The bar scene must be pretty bad if they have to advertise to a dyfunctional geek like me. There are also thousands of wives that want to cheat on their husbands with me. How desparate are these women that they someone with all my problems?

I am profiled to want to buy pirated software. I need to refinace my house even though I am in debt up to my eyeballs. While I am refinancing my house, I should take out some extra money to buy a Rolex watch for one-tenth of the price of a real Rolex. I could probably find more time to make money to buy that Rolex if I wasn't tempted with viewing the 45 porn sites I read about each day. I also have Windows viruses and spyware on my Macintosh and my Ebay account was just cancelled. With all my problems, I am still very fortunate. I can get an iPod for free, I get all the hot stock tips for free and someone in Nigeria wants to deposit $25,000,000 into my bank account.

I truly do not understand spammers. I have set up several dozen spam filters to catch this junk. The spammers realize I have done this. So they try to trick me with bogus subject lines. Like I want to buy drugs hydrocodine from someone who is dishonest with their advertising. I don't want to buy "C1AL!S" or get a "Precsritpion" for VI@gr@." Can I trust them to actually send me the real thing? What kind of idiot would refinance their house with someone who spells mortgage as "mort g@ge?" I don't want a "4.()5%" interest rate. Replacing the letter 'O' with a zero really lends a lot of credibility. Actually, it says "I deceived you once, let me deceive you again."

Do spammers think all of us are idiots? One spammer wants me to believe that a girl with four tatoos and a pierced tongue getting gangbanged on video is actuall a virgin. Another one wants me to believe that she wants to set up a discrete affair with me. If she wanted to be discrete, she probably shouldn't have e-mailed millions of people. Someone else thinks that I might believe that the e-mail titled "Dacques, A Special Offer Just for YOU!!!" is a one of a kind offer that only I am entitled to enjoy. Gee, I can view the hottest amatuers on the net for only 9.95 a month. If I have to pay to see them, wouldn't that make them PROFESSIONALS.

Some spammers are dumber than others. Why would someone sned a million e-mails containing a link to a non-existant site? I would imagine their response rate is somewhere between 0% and 0%. How effective is that? I can only think that they sent the e-mail just to piss me off.

Still other spammers baffle me. Why is there jabbywocky accompaning some spam? My best guess is with a vocabulary like "extrapolate haydn durkee composition debacle sorghum pentecost cola incommensurable chrysler broglie marilyn sophomoric adventurous mcclure despond hypochlorite jockstrap cranium clientele fourth pyroxenite shoemake resiny committee shinbone descendent oyster nashua caspian conclusion calcutta", the spammer tries to add a little intelligence to to his e-mail. Meanwhile, in South Dakota, some idiot is thinking "Gosh, I sure am smart. I used hypochlorite and brogile in an e-mail."

I just got done checking my e-mail. Damn, that spam was delicious. I can't wait for more redundant, worthless spam. Hormel must really be irate that everyone, well almost everyone, hates spam.